About 25 years ago, I took Jean to McAllisters (her favorite restaurant) in Jackson, Mississippi where Jean was a student at Millsaps College. On that first date, I spilled the entire 32 oz cup of sweet tea all over the table, floor, and some on both of us. Either that event was endearing to Jean, or she didn’t too much mind my version of clumsy. We just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary.

In fact, we’ve now been married longer than we were alive before getting married. Twenty-three years is a long time to be married especially in our culture of self-obsession and no fault divorce.

A lot has changed over these 23 years. We have two children (a teen and a pre-teen). We’ve been through a lot of life: moves, changing jobs, career shifts, colic, the Covid pandemic, homeschooling, dual enrollment, caregiving, and death of family members. Through these seasons we’ve had our share of disappointments, stresses, anger, difficulties, surgeries, resentments, and arguments. We’ve also had joys, trips, experiences, and blessings. Through it all, we love each other more now than ever before.

Our marriage is far from perfect, but it is committed. Over the years, I’ve asked couples who have been together a lot longer (50 to 60 plus years), what the secret to their long marriage was. Their answers have always been a combination of “patience, forgiveness, and laughter.”

Too many marriages give up when things get difficult. Instead of forgiveness a spouse offers resentment. Instead of patience, anger. Instead of love, criticism. Instead of service, complaint. Instead of kindness, vitriol. Instead of compassion, blame.

Every marriage struggles. Any marriage will face seasons where the feelings are not what they once were. Love is a decision not a feeling.

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”
Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

According to marriage expert John Gottman, it is often the everyday and small details that most shape relationships.

“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”
John Gottman, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Marriage portrays the gospel. If you are a husband or a wife, you cannot follow Jesus without obeying Paul’s commands in Ephesians 5. The husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church–sacrificially and selflessly. The wife is to submit to her husband as the church to Christ–humbly and willingly. A significant part of following Jesus is obeying him.

When a husband loves like Christ, he models the gospel. When a wife submits to her husband, she models the gospel. When couples practice the opposite of biblical commands, they model selfishness moving away from Christ and away from each other.

What would have happened all those years ago if Jean responded to my act of clumsiness differently? What would have happened more recently if we had not worked through seasons of struggle and resentment? What would have happened if we had not offered and received forgiveness from one another?

We’re not perfect. We still struggle. But we’re committed to following Jesus and modeling the gospel in our marriage.

Here are several suggestions for helping your marriage thrive:

• Read and learn from marriage experts. Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage or John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work are a good place to start.
• Put into practice what you learn. We know more than we do. So do something about your marriage. Follow the advice in the books above or the suggestions below. If you know something you should do for your spouse or to help your marriage, don’t wait. Do it. Act. Practice.
• Listen, then talk. At Wilkesboro Baptist this spring, we encouraged date nights for marriages. Our Associate Pastor, Tad Craig developed a series of date night questions. These questions are great ways to engage in conversation. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is listen. Make time daily to have a stressless conversation.
• Laugh and enjoy each other. The recent season of caregiving and struggle left me quite somber and stressed. I missed moments of joy. A marriage (family) that laughs together and enjoys one another is one that will last.
• Go on a date. Aside from your relationship with God the most important relationship you have is with your spouse. For it to be healthy, invest in it. Go to dinner. Take a walk.
• Pray for your spouse. Healthy, Christian marriages require God’s involvement. If you want a godly spouse, pray for him/her. Prayer undergirds our relationship with God and with one another.
• Commit for life. Marriage is a covenant. It is a covenant before God and with your spouse to love sacrificially. Keeping your marriage strong means retaining your covenant commitment as a husband or wife.