parenting

Intentional Parenting

Last year, I read Jon Tyson’s book, The Intentional Father. Tyson writes about raising sons with courage and character in a world whose values are often in direct competition to biblical values. As a father of two sons, his book challenged and convicted me.

Our children are learning so many things from the culture around them. Most of the technologies that we interact with are simply not neutral. See Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation. The values of the culture are more often shaped by the “prince of this world” (Ephesians 2:2) than they are the Bible’s values. These realities convicted me to be more intentional about what I’m teaching my sons.

One reason I’m convicted about teaching my boys specific values is the brevity of time I have with them. Our Children’s Minister uses an illustration about a jar with 936 marbles in it to remind us of the brevity of life. For each week your child is at home with you, take one marble out. By the time your child graduates high school, you will take out 936 marbles–one for each week you have your child in your home. For some of us, we will have taken more marbles out than are left. Let that sink in.

Another reason, I’m convicted about teaching my boys specific values is one of Jon Tyson’s quotes: “We need to be good at being men, not just be good men.” Our responsibility is to teach and understand the expectations, character, and responsibility of being a man. Here’s the question I have wrestled with: “If I don’t teach my boys to (fill in the blank), who will?” Some of my blanks include practical things like mowing the grass, grilling food, handling hard conversations, spreading mulch, dealing with blisters, and more spiritual things like following Jesus, praying faithfully, and being wise.

With this in mind, I spent a good bit of time building a list of biblical and family values that I want my boys to grasp and own by the time they leave our home. I’m going to post the first nine of these values here (these are the one’s we’ve covered so far).

The value list below goes like this: Value, Motto, Scripture verse. My boys and I have memorized the value, motto, and Scripture verse and reviewed them regularly. Here is the list based on what we’ve covered so far. We typically will take a full week to review, memorize, and discuss.

  1. Gospel Value – The first core value I wanted my boys to grasp is the power of the gospel in daily living.
    Motto: We never graduate from the gospel.
    Scripture Verses: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. – Mt. 5;3.
    For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. – 2 Corinthians 5:21.
    If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9.
  2. Love Value – A second core value has to do with the Great Commandments, loving God and loving others.
    Motto: JOY (Jesus, Others, You) Love Jesus above all; Love others next; Love self appropriately.
    Scripture Verses: And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” – Mt. 22:37-40
  3. Identity Value – In a culture that wants to define us by our feelings, stereotypes, and ideologies, we must accept our divinely given identity.
    Motto: Remember who you are and whose you are.  
    Scripture Verse: I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. – Psalm 139:14-16
  4. Habit Value – Our habits will develop our character and conduct.
    Motto: We are our habits and our habits follow our thoughts. 
    Scripture Verses: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. – Mt. 6:9-13
  5. Learn Value – To be a disciple is to be a learner and a follower. Every circumstance, situation, challenge, difficulty is an opportunity to learn. 
    Motto: Never stop learning. 
    Scripture Verses: And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man. – Luke 2:52
    And Jesus said to them, ‘Follow me, and I will make you become fishers of men.” – Mark 1:17. 
  6. Wisdom Value – It is not enough to have knowledge, we need the right application of knowledge and understanding.
    Motto: To be wise is to exercise knowledge and understanding. 
    Scripture Verses – The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. – Proverbs 1:7
    The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight. – Proverbs 9:10
  7. Faithfulness Value – When faced with temptations, we need to trust the faithfulness of God.
    Motto: God is faithful; he makes a way to escape temptation. 
    Scripture Verses: No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. – 1 Corinthians 10:13
  8. Self-Control Value – Followers of Jesus are to have self-control as a part of the Spirit’s fruit in our lives.
    Motto: We are saved by faith alone, but not by faith that is alone. 
    Scripture Verses: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23
  9. Courage Value – To be a man is to have courage and confidence in God.
    Motto: The Bible tells us 365 times not to be afraid. 
    Scripture Verses: Fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

Feel free to take these values, mottos, and verses and use them in your own homes for family worship and a time of devotions. The mottos and values have specific theological, personal, practical, or family significance. It might be a good idea for you to write your own memorable mottos.My aim with these values is to help my boys develop clear affirmations of who they are in Christ and what God expects of them. We will quote the verses together, remind ourselves of the mottos, and discuss how these values apply in their lives. There are a few more values we have not covered yet. I will post the additional values later in the summer.

You don’t have to use these values. But I will tell you this, you are teaching your children values. What they see you do, what you model, and what you value is being imbedded into their hearts and lives. Some might say to me, “How can I teach what I’m not living by myself?” My answer is that these values, and the others I will share are all aspirational. Reviewing them, memorizing them, and discussing them afford ways to review your spiritual life and encourage depth and growth with your children/grandchildren.

Photo by MacDonald Almeida on Unsplash

Parenting Principles from a Book on Nurturing Boys

As I go through each year, I try to read in a variety of fields (theology, leadership, church, preaching, history, philosophy, apologetics, biography, family, fiction). Books are an important way for me to continue learning and growing as a follower of Christ. Recently, I finished an excellent book on parenting boys: Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, by Stephen James and David Thomas. If you are a parent of boys, I would heartily recommend this book.

It is insightful, humorous, and helpful. At times, I found myself laughing at the hysterical accounts of the wild things boys do (things flushed down the toilet, adventurous activities, becoming superheroes). You’ll have to get the book to enjoy the benefit of those accounts. James and Thomas’ humor and candor provided a healthy framework for truly beneficial insights.

Following are a few parenting principles I gleaned from the reading. While they are centered on my own responsibility being a father to two sons, there is certainly overlap for parenting in general.

What your children see, they will do. Any parent knows that self-control is a difficult virtue in raising children. Sometimes our voice volume goes too high. Sometimes we are quick tempered. Sometimes we veg out of engaging with our family by being addicted to our screens. There’s a funny insurance commercial out now about how young adults are turning into their parents. That is a reality long before adulthood. My boys raise their voice and escalate arguments because that’s what they see/hear me do. Moms and dads, what you model is what they will become.

What you see in your children, what you speak to your children, and what you draw out of your children, they will become. This principle flows out of a section where the authors argue that parents (dads in particular) should see their sons, name their sons, and draw their sons out. Parents, you have enormous power in the lives of your children. How your children see themselves is a direct result of how you see them, what you say about them (naming them), and what you draw out of them. Does your vision for your children reflect unfulfilled dreams in your own life (athletics and success) or unattainable expectations of perfection for your children? If so, then you need to evaluate your words and how attentive you are to who your children should be. Recently, one of my children confessed that he felt the need to be perfect and felt guilty when he wasn’t. Where do you think he got that idea from? Yes, he got his internal need to be perfect from me. And that is not a healthy burden to carry. It is our job as parents to speak truth, encouragement, gospel, and purpose into the lives of our children.

What you value for your children will shape them. If you value grades, then your children will judge their competency by grades. If you value athletics, dance, friends, health, character, relationship with God, those values will shape who they become. Notice I didn’t say they will become your values. Sometimes parents value the wrong things and our children react against our values (shaping a contrarian value system in their own lives). Other times we say we value one thing, but model something different and our children react against our hypocrisy. I’m not saying we need to be perfect as parents, but we do need to be aware of the tension between what we say and what we show. Here are a couple of quotes that reflect this principle:

As parents, we must decide which is more important, material success or character. Too often, parents, educators, and coaches focus on behavior modification with boys and not enough on character development.

James and Thomas, Wild Things, 175.

I make Sam go [to church] because the youth group leaders know things that I don’t. They know what teenagers are looking for, and need–they need adults who have stayed alive and vital, adults they wouldn’t mind growing up to be. And they need total acceptance of who they are, from adults they trust, and to be welcomed in whatever condition life has left them–needy, walled off. They want guides, adults who know how to act like adults but with a kid’s heart. They want people who will sit with them and talk about the big questions, even if they don’t have the answers; adults who won’t correct their feelings or pretend not to be afraid. They are looking for adventure, experience, pilgrimages, and thrills. and then they want a home they can return to, where things are stable and welcoming.

Anne Lamont, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, quoted by James and Thomas, Wild Things, 80-1.

Parents, the value systems you instill (or not) in your children (faith, character, church) will affect them the rest of their lives. If you want your children to follow Christ as young adults and parents in the future, then it is your job to instill those values by model and voice now while they are in your home.

What love and preparation you provide will dramatically influence the emotional and spiritual health of your children. Children are sinners just like everyone else. They’re going to do foolish and sinful things. They do need our correction, discipline, and instruction, but they also need our unconditional love, guidance, and blessing. Following are several more quotes that undergird this principle.

About our boys as teenagers: “You will need to pray often–for wisdom, mercy, and forgiveness–because you will likely say and do a lot of things you will later regret. You’ll also want to pray for your boy’s safety, because he will likely do a lot of things that he will later regret.”

James and Thomas, Wild Things, 68.

Moms, this one’s for you: “A powerful paradox of motherhood is that if you do your job well, your son will leave you completely.”

James and Thomas, Wild Things, 236.

Dads, this one’s for you: “A boy needs a dad who is looking ahead of him, mindful of his tomorrows.”

James and Thomas, Wild Things, 260.

Parents, it’s our job not just to get through today’s trials and difficulties. It’s our job to be mindful of the future of our children. We are to look out for their tomorrows and prepare them to be adults in a difficult world.

This book has been one of the most meaningful and impactful that I’ve read this year. It is worth your time and investment in reading. If you do have sons, the chapter entitled, “Rituals, Ceremonies, and Rites of Passage,” is worth the price of the whole book. Parents, if you have boys, they will become men when you tell them they are men. Creating an individualized rite of passage into manhood is an important part of your role as a parent.

  • Dads, this one is on you. You are the primary voice and example for developing your boys into men. Buy this book. Read about rites of passage and develop one for your son(s).
  • Single moms, don’t lose heart. Pray that God would provide men in your community and church to invest in your boys to model manhood for them.
  • Moms, love your boys. They need your encouragement and inspiration more than you will ever know. I would not be the man I am today without the voice of encouragement and guidance from my mother who is now with Jesus.
  • Church, pray for our families. Our church will only be as strong and healthy as our families.

Photo by Robert Collins on Unsplash